5 Ways that Believing God will Improve Your Relationships With Men

(The blog was written in 2018)

Like a rising tide, something started to swell within me, so slowly that I didn’t even realize it was happening.  

It lapped at the bottom of my mind. Small rivers made their way into my heart. I noticed it when my words were soaked with disdain.

A disrespect of men.

It came from culture. As everything gets more “female” there seems to be an attitude that, simply put, musicality is inferior, less evolved, than femininity. That got to me.

It also came from experience. I am legitimately one of the #metoo girls. I also have some experiences as an adult of dating guys who were – in all honesty, selfish pigs. Some of the people who have most egregiously used their power against, have been men. Even “Chrisitan” men.

That surely didn’t help.

It also came from my own selfishness. I wanted easy. I wanted men to be good at the same things I was good at. Namely, emotions. And maybe, talking. Selfishness started to dominate my thoughts. Gosh, if I can figure it out, why can’t they?

Listen Ya’ll….it’s hard for me to admit that, any of that. Like really hard. First, it devastates me to think that I’ve actually mistreated, even just with my attitude, the good men in my life (which would be all of my immediate family) Second, I’ve always prided myself is being “for men” and a supporter of the roles that God has given them.

Yet, I had started to think I, as a female, was superior.

Listen, I don’t know where you are at. Single, happily married, or struggling. Young or old. Maybe you had a father who loved you well, maybe you did not.

The past doesn’t really matter, because it doesn’t change the fact that we are designed and called to not just coexist with men but to allow them to compliment us, as we compliment them, at work and at home. We are designed, called, and created even, to live in a relationship with them. Not just romantic relationships, but all kinds of relationships!

God didn’t mess up on men. Read that again.

He did mess up on their calling. He didn't mess up on how He wanted them to be different from us. He also didn’t mess up on women. He knew exactly what he was doing when He made one of us from Mars and the other from Venus, metaphorically speaking. 

So if I (or you!) have a different take on that at all, the problem is with our thinking.

And sadly, WE ARE MISSING OUT ENJOYING ON THE BLESSING OF GODS PERFECT DESIGN. The blessing of companionship. The blessing of encouragement. The blessings of learning. The blessing of teamwork. The blessing of growth. The blessing of intimacy. The blessing of service.

So, let’s get our minds right. Let’s push back against the voices of culture, the wounds delivered by a fallen world, and the sin within. I want the fullness of life. I want that for you too. That’s why I know that in order to find it in this area, all we have to do is BELIEVE GOD.

The 5 Ways

1 - GOD SAYS TO FORGIVE THEM

Yes, I’ve been sinned against. So have you, I’m sure. By men and women. Holding a grudge against anyone is not God’s will for us.

This is particularly important if you were egregiously sinned against by a man and you have decided that all men are now selfish…unsafe…out of control…immature…No, all men aren’t. That person was in that moment. Get mad at the sin, get mad at Satan, don’t get mad at the whole gender.

You can hold on to the anger that you think you deserve or you can forgive them, as God commands, and set yourself free.

2 - GOD SAYS TO FORGIVE YOURSELF

For you ladies out there who have been in a string of bad relationships, is time for you to own up to your part in it.

Yup.

If you want to improve your relationships with men you have to stop acting like “they are all pigs” and blaming them for all your hurt, sadness and shame.

You are the one who fell for him when you knew he wasn’t really “single.” You are the one who went back to his apartment after that drink. You are the one who kissed him when you knew he didn’t love Jesus. You are the one who responded to that text when you knew it was objectifying.

The pigs are in your life because you’ve let them be.

You've gotten impatient or needy.

Maybe you've put up walls and are only attracted to unavailable men.

You've stopped trusting God. 

Maybe you didn't know or think better was possible. 

Well, it is. 

Believe it or not, the breaking of this cycle is to … forgive yourself. Admit that you have forgotten your worth and that you LET YOURSELF BE MISTRESTED.

Don’t blame it on culture. Don’t blame it on your absent dad. Own it. You are an adult. You have let yourself be mistreated. Then, take some time to figure out WHY! (Life Coaching, anyone?;) 

You will be surprised how quickly you will start to notice and even attract men of honor when you treat yourself the same way.

3 - GOD SAYS YOU ARE FULLY LOVED, NOW

I’ve come across a lot of ladies lately who have a very hard time just letting God, or a man, love them. Their insecurities, pride, or upbringing have led them to believe that they have to earn love. Their mind works like this:

“If I don’t do this thing right, He will get tired of me”

“If I mess up too much, He won’t love me anymore.”

“If I don’t earn my keep, why would he want me?”

“He must be thinking that I’m too skinny…too fat…doesn’t like this outfit…”

“He is probably wishing that I was more like her”

There is an inner dialogue that assumes it knows the mind of men and likes to doubt God.

Girl, you don’t get to doubt God. If you say’s you are fully loved, you are. If He says you are enough, you are. If He delights in you right now, just because you are made in His image, then He does.

Refusing to accept this is pride.

Friends, God actually made men pretty good at giving love. Once a good man has zeroed in on a lady that he wants to make “his” he is perfectly designed to just love her for being her. He delights in her for what seems like no reason at all.

Yet, women still want to earn it. So, they do a lot. They try to be perfect. Look perfect. Act perfect. And they really want acknowledgment for all their efforts. They need what they do to be noticed. This places a crazy amount of pressure on their men (who already love them without all these efforts.) Women get mad at men often for reasons that are, frankly, baffling to guy, because they in essence trying to earn a love that has already been given to them freely.

It’s an interesting dynamic but it happens A LOT. Both in women's relationships with God, and men.

It's time to let yourself be loved. You don’t get to earn it. It was already earned for you.

If you cannot conceive of being fully accepted, approved, and loved by God RIGHT NOW, not for some future version of yourself, then you will always have a difficult relationship with men. 

Work on that. 

4 - GOD SAYS JESUS (NOT MAN) IS YOUR SAVIOR

Here’s where the “I hate men” thing gets twisted. A deep anger, distain, hatred, or superiority (so really anything beyond your average I’m really upset because we just had a huge fight) is usually rooted in the idolatry of a man’s love or approval.

Breathe that in.

If you want to enjoy better relationships with men you must stop believing that they are going to somehow complete you. You must shed that romantic notion that they will satisfy your every longing. You must, must, MUST let Jesus be your ultimate validation and place of rest.

Period.

Now, I’m a big-time romantic. I’ve spent most of my life being “in love with love.” I have found few happier places than wrapped up in the arms of a strong, good man.

At their best moment, relationships with men do provide some stability, affirmation, release, connection, and validation. Some. Sometimes even alot. 

But never all. 

When men get it right, see it for what it is, the love and redemption of God working well in Him and overflowing to you.

Believe God when He says He is your Savior. This will drastically improve your relationships with me.  

5- GOD SAYS MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO CONTROL THEIR SEXUAL DESIRES  

There is a Christian worldview of men among some groups that can be summed up like this, "men are in control of everything except their own sexual desires so it's a woman's job to save them from themselves.”

I refuse to believe that. First, because it is not Biblical at all. Second, it would make me disrespect and resent all men.

Disrespect because they are what… animals?

Men do not get a pass on sexual sin. If you have been taught this by the church or told this by men in your life, you are going to struggle to honor and follow even the best of men.

Believe that lie will hurt your relationship with men in one of two ways.

One, you will think that anything bad that happens to you, sexually, was your fault. Or two, you are going to suffer repeated wounds at the hands of a man because you think God has given them a desire that is so strong, they aren’t really responsible for what it makes them do.

My God, the God of the Bible, never gives men permission to out of control of their bodies. Ever. Period. Don’t believe that.

Believe that Holy Spirit indwells saved men and that a saved man can overcome sin, because that's what the Bible says. 

The Warp-Up

Men are an amazing gift to the world. To us. To our families. We couldn't function or exist without them. Society and Satan want to shatter their will, their strength, and their role. 

Let's not be the kind of women who just get bitter and pick a brick.