When I Threw Off God's "Oppressive" Ways

When I was 38, I entered my second major season of doubt and deconstruction. It was about six months before I met my now husband. Being in my "late 30's" and still never married was hitting me hard, yet again.

I started listening to all sorts of progressive voices that promised freedom from anything that felt oppressive. I also briefly dated a guy who tried to convince me that the Bible wasn’t reliable. These idea spoke to my flesh in a powerful way. God wasn't giving me what I wanted and here was a new messaged that told me there was a "new way."

I started listening to teachings that focused only on God’s love and completely disregarded His justice and holiness. It was a theology—incorrect as it was—that made me feel powerful and free in certain ways (because ultimately it made me my own god.)

I even declared to God in my loneliness and defiance, “I still believe in You, but I don’t believe You are for humans. The religious structure I’ve been taught is just keeping me from what I want and what will make me happy.”

So, for a brief time...out of pain and confusion... I threw it all off.

It felt almost like a Marvel movie scene: I was becoming my own authority. Not even God could tell me what to do—because that would be oppressive, right?

But here’s what happened. That “freedom” didn’t make me free. It led me to distance myself from my best friend, Jesus. Instead of feeling free, I felt isolated. Hard. Arms crossed. Closed off to conviction. Closed off to humility. Closed off to people who wanted to point me to Jesus, my family and friends. Closed off to anything that didn’t “serve me.”  I had to put walls up to anything that threatened my newfound "power."

It’s weird, isn’t it? The more I threw off what I thought was “oppression,” the more I built a giant wall around my heart. A wall that felt like strength, but was actually fear. A wall that felt like freedom, but was really pain. A stance that was sold to me as freedom but was actually pride.

This is the story I share in detail on my latest podcast episode—how I went from tearing down structures to building walls of self-rule that kept me from the healing, life-giving love of God.

👉 If you’re curious, just click here to tune in.

👉If you'd like to join my online community where you can discuss this episode and more with likeminded women click here to join for free.